I’ve mentioned before that I’m waiting on results from the Florida Bar Exam, which I took at the end of this July. So far I’ve managed to spend most of my free time writing, reading, playing a lil’ Xbox 360, and generally doing whatever I want. But my total lack of structured time may soon come to an end. Depending on whether I pass the bar exam, I will go on active duty with the Air Force as an attorney. Results from the bar exam come out September 22nd, in less than a week. I can’t tell you how anxious I get sometimes, at the amount of not-knowing.
If I don’t pass then, according to my Air Force liaison, I will stay on inactive reserve status until I take and pass the exam again–meaning a few months after the February 2009 exam. That’s a long time to sit around playing video games and blogging in a poor man’s imitation of Seinfeld. So I guess if I don’t pass this time around, I’ll need to find some kind of a job to do until it’s time to start studying for the February 2009 exam. I don’t know what I’ll do for work–I’ve thought about something easy, like the old paper route I had one summer, or, preferably, getting a legal related job, working maybe as a researcher for a local law firm. As much as I want to pass the bar exam on the first try, I think I’ll go stir-crazy if I don’t start doing something more productive (i.e., working) soon. And if I don’t pass, I know studying for the bar exam again is going to be a beast. I dread the thought of going through Barbri’s review course again (all day, every day is study-questions-review, study-questions, review…), or even just paying for the review course again (FYI, it’s a few grand to cover the course, books, and the exam itself). The one good thing about failing is that I know basically what to expect.
If I do pass–which is definitely what I want–I have even more uncertainty, because I don’t know where I’ll be stationed once I go on active duty. I know I blogged about this a month or so ago, but it really is a bit unsettling to not know where we’ll be living in the near future. I don’t know if I’ll be stationed somewhere far away, where I’ll see my family only once or twice a year (my Dad is just a little afraid of flying), or somewhere so close (like Tyndall or Moody) that I don’t even have a real reason to say any “goodbyes”. Plus there’s also the low-level fear that I could wind up at a really really bad base, or in a bad town, or in a bad apartment, or just a bad office. I think most folks in the military are pretty top-notch, with no lack of good work ethic and positive attitudes, but these are still concerns that bubble up.
Location aside, that’s not the most unsure bit of business, since I don’t even know when I’ll go on active duty; it could be October, or it could be as late as January or February. So Cori and I feel torn between investing our time with our friends here in Tallahassee, versus traveling as much as possible to see our families. And we’re unsure how much time and energy we should invest in our church, our apartment (we signed a year long lease a few months ago, hoping that our landlord doesn’t give us any trouble over the Soldiers and Sailors Relief Act if we’re forced to rely on it…), or even our cars. There are moments when it feels like we’re skimping on things or people that we should focus on, because time feels like such a precious commodity right now.
With all this uncertainty I’ve been having a bit of trouble going to sleep lately, mostly because these nervous thoughts creep up on me when I most strongly don’t want them to. I’m not usually a worrier, but, in case you’re wondering, this is what it’s like to try to get into the JAG Corps after law school: loads of school debt with repayment deadlines approaching despite lack of paying employment, plenty of paperwork to fill out, in triplicate, lots of unknowns to wonder over, not many details on anything important to pass along to curious friends and family, and a handful of anxiety before bed; shake well before consuming, refrigerate any unused portion. Seriously, I guess I’m pretty much ok with whatever happens, it’s just that I’d like to know what to expect. And on a positive note, I am being stretched to be patient, and to “lean not on [my] own understanding,” so there is value to this time of not knowing; I just wish it would be a little less not-knowing.
Hopefully this doesn’t sound too much like me whining, I usually like to keep things pretty light here. And if this is too much of a Debbie-Downer rant, then maybe this demotivator will help put a grin on your mug.
Posted by Micah McMillan 
